Questions Need Age-Appropriate Answers

It gripes my butt when…

It gripes my butt when an adult responds to a child’s sex question with “oh, you’ll learn about that when you are older.” If the question arises now, the question deserves an age-appropriate answer. Putting the child off simply tells them that this adult is not a viable resource. They will bring their curiosities elsewhere. Guaranteed. 

What a gift and an honor to be the recipient of a sexuality question from a child. The child trusts you, sees you as a potential resource and place of safety. Do not let this opportunity go! Even if you are not sure what to say, your armpits start sweating and you instantly feel prepubescent. Stop, fully absorb and appreciate and acknowledge the bravery in asking. 

Appreciate & Acknowledge 

“I’m so glad you came to me.”

“It is wonderful that you are thinking about important things like this”

“Gosh, you are such a brave and wonderful kid for talking about this.”

Get Context

“Where did you hear about this?”

“What made you wonder about _____?”

“Did someone you talk about ____ and you were not sure what it was all about?”

*This is the most Important part* 

LISTEN. No judgment. No shame. 

Listen to your child. Do not react or think about a response until they are completely finished. Pause and validate with your energetic body. 

Pay attention to the tone of your voice, your body language, pauses, facial expressions. In moments like this so much more is said without words. 

Focus on becoming your child’s safe harbor. 

Surprisingly, your main goal is not to answer the question. 

Your main goal is to begin to establish the feelings and patterns that you will always receive, completely, as they are, without judgment. You are the safe harbor for any and all sex and sexuality concerns.  

Can you do that?

Answer the question.

Lead with respect. Allow for nuances. Try to present multiple perspectives. If it seems appropriate, give the child a chance to see themselves in the situation. Allow them to hypothetically “try on” an experience. Ask feeling questions. Give them a chance to somatically experience something in the safety of your non-judgemental presence. 

Example:

Child: “Mom, what is a lesbian?”

Mom: “Oh, I am so glad you are asking me about this. This is something I really care about teaching you and we haven’t really talked about it.” Insert loving body language: hug, hair stroke, etc..

“Wanna have a cookie and talk about it a little?”

“So where did you hear about lesbian? Can you tell me more?”

Child: “Well, Jadon yelled well your moms are lesbians to Kai at recess today and I didn’t know what that meant”

Mom: “How did it sound when Jadon said it?” “How did you feel?”

Child: “Well, it sounded kind of mean and I felt a little scared because I didn’t know what it meant.”

Mom: “Well lesbian is nothing to be mean about. Lesbian means a woman who has loving feelings towards another woman. Maybe Jadon has two moms. A lot of children have two moms. 

You know how daddy and I are married, we love each other. Well, a lesbian can marry a woman and love a woman. Pretty simple.